The Emptiness

By Laili Muttamimah - November 09, 2015

I don't know which one is better: you choose to be single but feel lonely or be with someone but he/she let you down? I think, the answer is no one.

To be honest, I almost never think about my love life seriously, at least during last year. Somehow, I felt I had no interest and it became a bland story to tell. Until a few days ago, my friend asked, "Do you have someone that you love?" and I find myself don't have any ideas to answer that question. 

Do I have someone that I love?

No, I don't. 

Probably, for now.

One of my classmates claimed himself that he could predict someone's life. So, last week, he did it to me. He told me all about my future (career, income, dream, and definitely... love life). Honestly, I don't believe every word he said, but it was interesting to heed him. Everything was OK, till he looked at me and said, "Gosh, you have really complicated love story!"

I just smiled and talked to myself: Yes, I have. From the billions people in this world, I was the one of those who got a chance to feel "complicated love story".

Perhaps, that's gonna be the first reason I never want to think about my love story. It was so complicated and I'll lose my energy if I spend my time to care about. There are much things I have to and better to think than the complicated one. And the second, it can hurt me too, sometimes. So, I avoided it. 

A year passed and over that time, I have built a great wall to protect myself. I don't know why but it feels so hard to believe in people anymore. Every love word they said to me, nothing more than bullshit. I've swallowed a lot of bullshit from my past and (sadly) I ever assumed all of the men were bad. All of them.

I know, it's really a big fault. So, I've tried to change that assumption, but the last thing I do is just build my self-defense over and over. 

But when I can't find the name of person I love, I know there's something wrong with me. Feels like crowded, but it's quiet. Like being surrounded by people, but I'm standing alone. 

Maybe, this is what they said about the emptiness.

Some people thought I haven't move on 'cause I'm still into my ex. That's really wrong statement, if people haven't move on, it means they still desperate of their past. Or if people had move on, it means they had have someone to replace the last one. Just because I haven't start the new chapter of my love story, so, you can say I didn't move on, huh?

I had move on, honestly, but it still hard to believe in someone to fill the empty place of mine.

I just need more time, to find the right man who doesn't give a crap to me, but takes care of me well. The man who made me curious as hell, made my heart beats faster, and made me feel safe to be with him. 

My friends suggested that I have to start relationship with those who asked me going steady. But I can't. I just don't want to be with someone I didn't love. It'll hurt him someday and so do I. I really don't need a status if it means I have to stay with someone who will break me for pieces. 

I just need a partner, not only a lover.

I'm just tired of spending time for a lack of seriousness. I was fed up with all the unimportant debates about our relationship. I just want to be better and take it more serious, am I wrong?

If you think I'm too picky, yes ... I am. I had enough with those who are just playing around, underestimating their commitments, and saying "I'm bored with this relationship" simply, just because a small debate.

You know, this complexity came as the effect of my fears in the past. That's why I close my door for a moment and try to rearrange everything.

Of course, I missed the feeling of fall in love again. I want to have someone whom I could tell a lot of things, who holds my hand to strengthened me, which doesn't laugh for my ugliness but understand it. 

But everytime I try to begin again, I immediately hid behind the wall and keep silent there. Don't know until when.

Even they came and tried to tear down the wall, I always make it stronger.

I'm still waiting and looking for someone who could really, really tear it down, till I don't have strength to let him go...

and I'll give the whole of my love for that person. 

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